Things Selina Kyle Isn't Allowed To Do
by Achlois
Summary: ...According To Detective Gordon.


**NOTE: **Edited from last night.

**1.** No stealing.

**2.** Open windows are not an invitation to come in.

**3.** Fire escapes are not to be used as jungle gyms.

**4.** No bringing stray cats into the house.

-Don't try to hide one under your jacket, either. I can tell, you know.

**5.** No prank calling my exes.

**6.** "Gobblepot" is not a thing, and you will never use this term in my presence ever again.

-Nor will you start a betting pool at the precinct about us.

-Stop encouraging her, Harvey.

**7.** No, Bruce Wayne is not a vampire. Probably.

**8\. **Stop running off every time I walk through the door.

-Don't get so defensive. I never said that you were scared.

-I know you're not weak, Selina. You're the toughest person I know.

-Just try to remember, I'm not the bad guy.

**9\. **I am not "too sexy for my shirt". Please change my ringtone back.

-And stop laughing. It's not funny, I was in the middle of an interrogation when that thing went off.

-No Barbie Girl, either. I'm onto you.

**10.** It's still stealing even if the person doesn't want it.

**11.** You are never to ask Nygma "What came first, the chicken or the egg?" So as to avoid another breakdown.

**12\. **Railings are for holding onto when walking down the stairs, not sliding on.

**13\. **You and Bruce are no longer allowed to eat in the same room. I still haven't been able to get the mustard stain off of the ceiling.

**14\. **There will be no karaoke nights at the precinct.

**15.** You will stop referring to Harvey as "Indiana Jones". It strokes his ego too much.

-I know his hat is cool.

-Yes, you can have one.

-NO YOU CAN'T HAVE A WHIP.

**16.** I said no cats. Stop looking at me like that.

**17.** Doors exist. Use them.

**18.** No gambling.

-Yes, it's still gambling even if you have a secret ace hidden up your sleeve.

-Telling me that you cheat at poker is not "reassurance", by the way. If anything that makes it worse.

**19.** No keeping mutated flesh-eating plants in the fridge. I don't care if your creepy friend asked you to "babysit".

**20.** Even if you bring it back, it still counts as stealing.

**21.** No going out after nine o'clock without a responsible adult present.

-No, Bruce doesn't count even if he _acts_ like he's thirty.

-Neither does Harvey. I said "responsible".

**22\. **No punching waiters when they try to take your jacket from you.

-You could have just told me about the scars.

-Your secret is safe with me.

**23\. **ABSOLUTELY NO REDBULL FOR YOU. EVER.

–Or coffee.

–Or soft drinks.

–You know what? Let's just agree that caffeine is bad. Very, very bad.

–And we shall never speak of the "Redbull Incident" ever again.

**24\. **Alfred is not "The British Terminator".

**25\. **You will no longer be allowed near the oven.

-I would prefer if firefighters didn't show up at my house at seven in the morning.

-Thank you for the pancakes, though.

**26\. **When I said you could spend the day with Bruce, I thought you meant go to a movie or something, not run around the city trying to apprehend a criminal.

-Yes, I know you caught the guy. That's not the point.

-Please refrain from doing any detective work until you are at least eighteen years old.

**27.** No more going on police ride-alongs with me and Harvey.

-My sanity can't take it.

-You two are going to kill me someday, I swear.

**28.** NO RUNNING AWAY!

–Selina Kyle, it has been two days since I last heard from you and I'm starting to get angry. Where the hell are you? Come home this instant.

–Is this about that argument we had the other day? Because I didn't mean any of that. Now stop this ridiculous tantrum of yours and come home.

–Look: I'm sorry about what I said, alright? It was out of line. I would never dream of sending you away. Never.

–Selina, _please_. It's been a _week_.

–Harvey really misses you. He punched me in the face today.

–I went to Wayne Manor this morning. Alfred was perfectly polite to me but he used that tone, you know? The one that instantly makes the temperature in the room drop by ten degrees. Bruce wouldn't see me. I caught a glimpse of him through the window as I was leaving, though. He looked _awful_, Selina. Like he hadn't slept in days.

–I haven't slept in days.

–I miss you. I'm sorry.

–_Please come home. _

…_. _

**29.** For the love of all that is good and holy, DON'T EVER DO THAT TO ME AGAIN!

–Dear Lord, I was about to die of a stress induced heart attack.

–You're damn right I was scared. I was fucking terrified.

–I see a bruise on your face. What happened? Are you hurt? No? Good. Now get over here so I can kill you.

–I know, kid. I know.

–I love you, too.


End file.
